As a queer person, it's long been my dream to see my community represented in the lowest form of entertainment: The Bachelor.
On Wednesday, comedian Billy Eichner decided to rise to the challenge and offer himself up as fresh meat. "I actually do think it would be cool to do a gay season of The Bachelor," Eichner wrote, "and hey @BachelorABC, I'm single."
Eichner's tweet was met with non-ironic enthusiasm on Twitter. FYI, haters: The LGBTQ community likes trash corporate television like the rest of y'all. Just because it's heteronormative poison doesn't mean we're not on board! We, too, love passing fauxmances and manufactured drama between morons.
The time has come for queer and trans bachelor(ette)s to reclaim this cultural wasteland.
SEE ALSO: The best queer moments in culture in 2018It's never been a better time for a queer bachelor. 2018 included multiple, painful queer breakups. And the Queer Eyeguys showed the world they can be even more popular than the straights on streaming television. Even if you hate The Bachelor (highly understandable), queer representation matters, wherever you can find it.
Here are the queer and trans celebrities we believe are single (though of course these things can change) and could most benefit from a scripted romance:
Jonathan Van Ness is one of those rare celebrities who's loved both by the normies and the radical queers alike. We all grieved for Jonathan after his relationship ended with soccer player Wilco Froneman this winter. Now we all hope for the same thing for him: the opportunity to go an ice-skating date with a big ol' gay bear on broadcast television.
Now that the arm wrestling posts have stopped, it's believed that queer couple King Princess and Amandla Sternberg has gone their separate ways. It's fine, it's not like we were depending on two 24-year-olds in the throes of young love for our personal happiness.
The Hate U Givestar probably hates this show. We'd like to offer her the opportunity anyways.
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Listen, we're not taking sides in this breakup, okay? They're both very good on Instagram.
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Jesus might have been single, but "Lesbian Jesus" doesn't have to be. Just imagine the brutal take-down pop anthems she'll make when she inevitably dumps whatever silicone dud wins the show.
Pantsuit goals Credit: Chelsea Lauren/REX/Shutterstock ThisTransparentstar and trans advocate is far too good for The Bacheloretteor anything on network television, but in the event she feels like dipping her toe into our disgusting lowbrow universe, we're here.
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Single or not, it doesn't matter: Everyone [who is good] wants this trans model and activist to achieve maximum possible representation. The world is a far hotter place because of him.
He's here, he's queer, and he could theoretically be single. Please sign this actor-singer-beautiful-human up.
Monae at the 76th Annual Golden Globe Awards Credit: Matt Baron/BEI/REX/Shutterstock Based on recent interviews, it no longer appears that she and Tessa Thompson are dating one another. And unfortunately for Janelle, no one is good enough to be at her level. It'll be cute to watch her lessers try.
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Abbi Jacobson came out as queer earlier this year and frankly it's all I've been able to think about since. Someone please put her on the show so I can get back to my normal life, aka googling other queer celebrities.
This is the face of someone who hates being on this list. Credit: Dave Allocca/Starpix/REX/Shutterstock I can't think of anyone who would hate being on The Bachelormore than the incredibly talented and deeply, darkly funny Alia Shawkat. Still, good entertainment.
Would watch 12 hungry men eat him alive Credit: Matt Baron/REX/Shutterstock Male model Nyle DiMarco is rumored to be both single and kind. How rare a combination is that? Someone please find him love.
Billy Eichner runs a good goddamn show and is one of the few smart people on Twitter. Most importantly, he's big and famous and he offered to do it.
Sorry, Michelle Obama. For some kinds of change, we need more people who are high to stoop low. That's just how this country works.
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